After my first child was born, my then mother-in-law repeatedly insisted I should “Just let her cry,” alone in her crib because “it won’t hurt her.” My instincts said my baby needed safe connection, and I followed my instincts. From an Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) perspective, when a child is left to “cry it out” without receiving the necessary sensory input–like comforting touch, sound, or proximity–the brain and nervous system are deprived of essential experiences needed for healthy development.
Early relationships play a crucial role in shaping the architecture of the brain, especially in areas responsible for emotional regulation, attachment, and stress response.
Without the presence of a caregiver to co-regulate during distress, the child’s nervous system remains in a state of heightened stress. Over time, this repeated experience can over-activate stress-response systems, like the amygdala, while under-developing areas like the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in emotional regulation and decision-making.
This creates a brain more primed for survival responses–fight, flight, or freeze–rather than for connection and self-soothing. The hippocampus, responsible for memory and emotional context, may also be affected, leading to difficulties in processing and integrating emotional experiences.
As the child learns to shut down their needs for closeness and comfort due to unmet cries, they may suppress their emotions to cope with the ongoing distress. This suppression, coupled with a lack of early relational attunement, creates a foundation for disrupted integration that the psychiatric industry labels borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
In these conditions, the child’s basic needs for safety, emotional security, and consistent care were not met, which can contribute to deep difficulties in regulating emotions and forming secure attachments.
In the case of borderline personality disorder, the child may experience intense emotions, unstable relationships, and a persistent fear of abandonment, rooted in early experiences of emotional neglect. The lack of sensory input and co-regulation teaches the child that expressing their needs will not lead to comfort, leading to chronic dysregulation and impulsivity as they struggle to manage overwhelming feelings on their own.
For narcissistic personality disorder, the suppression of vulnerability and emotional needs can lead to a pattern of self-reliance and emotional detachment. Since their early bids for connection went unmet, individuals may develop a protective strategy of focusing on self-importance and external validation, avoiding vulnerability and intimacy, which they have learned to associate with pain and frustration.
In both cases, the deprivation of early sensory input and co-regulation not only alters the brain’s structure and function but also lays the groundwork for a lifetime of emotional dysregulation and relational challenges. The brain’s adaptations to these early experiences, while aimed at survival, create long-term difficulties in maintaining healthy, secure relationships and managing emotional states in a balanced way. These adaptations, rooted in early childhood experiences, can lead to the struggles associated with BPD, NPD, and other relational or emotional challenges.
I’m thankful I followed my instincts and tended to my babies’ needs instead of denying them.
This post includes content generated by ChatGPT, a language model developed by OpenAI. The AI-generated content has been reviewed and edited for accuracy and relevance.
