No Justice With the Midwife But What I Create

Posted on June 19, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

“The Midwife Who Couldn’t Stop Talking,” which expresses my experience with a highly dysregulated practitioner. The only “accountability” was that, after my complaint letter, the practice withdrew its efforts to bill me for this visit.

I keep talking about what happened to me because the lack of justice makes it impossible to “let it go,” as if that is even a thing. The forced FGM surgery didn’t just happen; it continues to resonate in my mind and body every time I feel the impact of what was done, which is countless times a day. Every time I try to move past it, the system reminds me I can’t: none of the doctors who harmed me are held accountable and are allowed to continue harming others, the institutions protecting them are silent, and the world at large doesn’t see the ongoing cost.

The failure of justice is the reason I create justice where I can, through my own expression, which carries its own undeniable power and transforms my experience into something real, seen, and felt.

“Confronting the Predatory Gynecologist,” which shows how it felt to calmly inform him that informed consent should have been a thing, and for him to puff up like an angry genie in reaction. There has been no institutional accountability, and no justice that I haven’t made with my watercolors, words, and wits.

The non-consensual surgery was years ago, and while it was by far the worst violation, I’ve had many healthcare practitioner attempts to invalidate. Very unfortunately, the most recent was with a midwife, the kind of practitioner I trusted with both of my pregnancies and births. The midwife’s inability to attune and meet me where I was caused me significant harm. As in too many prior encounters, responsibility is denied, and there is no attempt to make a repair. The midwife answered my email with excuses instead of an authentic apology. The director is silent. I’m left with no choice but to integrate this betrayal myself. My nervous system feels it, my body carries it, and I have to respond.

The process involves ongoing integration in small bits. Each begins when I notice the signals, the emotional and physical echoes, and I do something supportive with them. I write. I post on social. I sketch. I begin to paint a watercolor. I illustrate my lived experience so people can understand it, because otherwise it is invisible and impossible to explain.

Our nervous systems are built for connection. They need compassionate witnessing to integrate experience. When that witnessing isn’t available from the people who caused harm, or the systems that should protect us, the nervous system remains unsettled, frozen in a loop of stress, alertness, and planning. Expressing my experience through words and watercolors is how I give my own nervous system what it needs: acknowledgment, validation, and release. It’s how I repair a relational rupture with myself when relational repair from others isn’t possible.

“A Lion at My Neck,” which expresses how it felt when a Coast Guardsman sexually assaulted me after our vessel needed a tow. There has been no accountability, no justice.

Every sketch, watercolor, or blog post expresses what happened and what I need now. It is me giving form to the pain, anger, and betrayal. It’s me showing my experience to the world because otherwise it disappears into isolation. This is what it means to create accountability when no one else will: to be your own witness, to find your own compassion, and to offer your story so others can witness it, too.

Sharing my watercolors with my healthcare practitioners is especially powerful because it gives them access to the reality of my experience in a way words alone can’t. These images carry the emotional and physical impact of what I’ve lived through, and they appeal for acknowledgment where there is often avoidance or denial. When I show them my work, I’m not asking for permission or pity, but offering a direct, undeniable witness to my truth. It shifts the dynamic from one of passive reporting to active recognition, and in doing so, it creates a space where my nervous system can feel seen and validated, even within the healthcare system that most often fails to provide it.

I don’t have the justice I want from the institutions that failed me. But I do have the ability to respond to what my body, nervous system, and mind need. That’s how I survive, keep being me despite the pressure to shut up and go away, and that, in its own way, is a kind of justice, too.

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What if Mental Health Care Actually Cared?

Posted on June 17, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

Mental health doesn’t come from a drug or cognitive behavioral therapy. Real mental health is built on what has always made humans whole: safety, connection, dignity, and the right to be felt and seen in the truth of our pain.

The mental illness industry treats symptoms as if they float separate from the life that holds them. Depression, anxiety, dissociation, and compulsions are not glitches, but adaptations. They are natural responses to overwhelming conditions and signs of systems doing what they can to survive in a world that does not offer enough regulation, protection, or relational support.

Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) teaches us to examine the whole system, not just the brain, not just behavior, but the context: the relationships, the body, the past, and the present moment. It shows us that what the culture calls mental illness often arises from disconnection from others, from the body, from safety, and from hope. It illustrates that healing does not come from managing symptoms, like the mainstream mental illness industry asserts with its pills and ineffective therapies. Healing comes from restoring the conditions in which a human nervous system can finally rest and repair.

If mental health care actually cared, it would center on regulation instead of compliance, performance, and symptom suppression. It would respect our deep biological need to feel safe enough to exist. It would be a place in which people are not judged or pathologized for how they’ve survived, but gently supported back toward coherence. It would offer community models that prioritize co-regulation, not just professional intervention. It would understand distress as relational, not defective.

Imagine a world where trauma responses are met with curiosity and presence instead of suspicion. Where grief is allowed, not rushed. Where children learn how to feel their bodies instead of being taught to fear and distance themselves from them. Where a psychiatrist asks about your relationships before prescribing a pill. Where no one has to earn the right to be believed.

This isn’t idealism. It’s biology. The nervous system is built for connection. And because the mental illness industry rejects that, it will continue to fail the people who need it most.

People don’t need to be fixed. We need the conditions that let our system do what it knows how to do: heal. Real mental health care starts there.

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The Mental Illness Industry is Delusional 

Posted on June 15, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

In a medical or psychological context, a delusion is a fixed, false belief that is not based on external reality and persists despite evidence to the contrary. This is often associated with delusional disorder or other mental health conditions.

The mental illness industry often treats its own worldview as fixed truth: that suffering can be neatly categorized, symptoms are isolated from context, and the right label or chemical adjustment will resolve the problem.

When service users say, “this isn’t helping me,” or “this framework doesn’t fit my lived experience,” the industry often responds as though the person themselves is “delusional” or resistant, rather than questioning the framework.

The industry and the culture that follows it hold the assumption that the experts already know what reality is, and the job of the service user is to adapt to that imposed story. This can leave people unheard, invalidated, and further harmed. Instead of creating genuine safety and connection, the conditions that allow nervous systems to stabilize, the industry doubles down on its fixed belief, even when the evidence of harm is right in front of it.

So in a way, the industry often enacts the very dynamic it claims to diagnose: holding onto a rigid, unexamined narrative in the face of lived reality that contradicts it.

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Systemic Blindness: The Ignored Story in My Health Chart

Posted on June 12, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

My weight data from the past few years is one of the most important indicators of my overall health. When I am in environments that support me, my weight moves toward a healthy range. When my environment is unsafe or unsupportive, my weight rises. This is not a matter of “lifestyle choices.” It reflects how my body responds to stress, trauma, and metabolic factors, including my MC4R genetic mutation.

From an Interpersonal Neurobiology perspective, this is exactly what we would expect: the nervous system constantly gauges safety and threat. When the environment is unsafe, the body shifts into survival mode. Weight changes are one measurable way my system signals whether it can maintain balance or whether it’s under chronic strain.

Virtually every healthcare practitioner I see–multiple times each month over years–records my weight. Yet nobody has ever noticed, asked about it, or connected it to my overall health. It’s recorded for billing purposes. It doesn’t inform a treatment plan. It doesn’t spark curiosity. It’s just a box to check, like blood pressure or oxygen saturation. The data is there, but its meaning is invisible.

Isolated readings of blood pressure or pulse can never show the ongoing impact of trauma, chronic stress, or nervous system dysregulation. When my system is overloaded, my capacity to manage food, shopping, cooking, and social interactions diminishes, creating a downward spiral unless I receive the right level of care.

I have experienced extreme medical harm, and the effects of that trauma continue to affect my health every day. My weight, tracked over time, tells the story of my nervous system, my environment, and my life in ways no single measurement ever can. To disregard it is to disregard me, my experiences, and the very real physiological signals my body sends about what it needs to survive and thrive.

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Learning to Feel and Trust Our Instincts

Posted on June 10, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

When early relationships repeatedly dismiss, override, or punish a person’s signals, the body learns that its own cues do not lead to safety or effective response. Over time, attention shifts away from internal sensations because registering them did not result in protection, understanding, or relief. That makes instincts feel unreliable. It is a learned pattern shaped by conditions around them.

Building capacity starts with restoring accurate contact with internal signals in small, tolerable doses. That means noticing basic sensations like muscle tension, breathing changes, gut shifts, temperature, and posture, without forcing interpretation. The goal at first is not “trust,” but recognition. When recognition becomes more consistent, patterns begin to show up. Certain sensations tend to precede certain outcomes. Predictability returns.

The next step is linking those internal signals with present-moment context. For example, noticing what happens in the body when a boundary is crossed versus when there is mutual respect. This requires environments that are stable enough that the body can compare experiences. Without enough consistency in the environment, the body cannot sort signals from noise.

Trust develops when internal signals are followed by responses that work. That can be as simple as acting on a small cue, like taking a break when tension rises, and then observing whether that action reduces strain or prevents escalation. Each time there is a clear link between a sensed signal, an action, and a meaningful outcome, the system updates. Over time, this builds a track record that internal cues are relevant and useful.

Relational context is not optional in this process. Being around people who notice, reflect, and respond accurately to what is happening supports this rebuilding. When someone else names what is observable and it matches the internal experience, it strengthens integration between internal sensation and shared reality. When others consistently misread or dismiss, it disrupts that process.

It is also important to reduce conditions that overwhelm the system. When activation is too high or too shut down, internal signals become either too intense to sort through or too faint to detect. Widening the window of tolerance by expanding the range where the body can stay engaged without overload allows more access to subtle cues, which is where instincts become clearer.

So the sequence is: re-establish contact with sensation, notice patterns over time, test small actions based on those signals, and do this within relationships and environments that provide enough consistency for the body to learn from the results. Trust is not something you decide to have. It forms when the system repeatedly experiences that its signals lead to effective outcomes.

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Listening to My Nervous System is Not Optional

Posted on June 8, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

Trauma recovery is not a belief system, moral stance, prescription, or a choice based on what feels convenient, politically aligned, or socially condoned. Recovery is about learning, often the hard way, what my nervous system actually needs in order to move toward health rather than collapse.

What it needs is highly specific.

After psychiatric abuse, non-consensual surgery, and the institutional betrayal that followed, my capacity for social engagement was profoundly impaired. Authority became dangerous. Medical settings became dangerous. Male power in particular became fused with violation, dismissal, and threat. That learning did not happen in thought. It happened in my body, in real time, under real harm.

You do not undo that kind of injury with ideas, avoidance, or by telling yourself a better story.

From a Relational Neuroscience perspective, what was learned in relationship has to be repaired in relationship. Slowly, repeatedly, with real people, under real conditions that contradict the original harm.

For me, that includes safe connections with men, especially men in positions of power such as doctors and other professionals. This is not a preference. It is not a philosophical position. It is what my body requires in order to reestablish a basic sense of safety in the world I actually live in.

When I am with a male doctor who is respectful, boundaried, attentive, and collaborative, something shifts. My vigilance eases. I can stay present. I can think and speak without bracing. My body learns, again and again, that authority does not have to mean harm and that proximity does not have to mean violation.

That is how the social engagement network comes back online after betrayal trauma. Not through isolation, but lived experiences that reliably contradict what the body was forced to learn.

Avoiding men would not protect me. It would freeze the injury in place. It would narrow my world and reinforce the same patterns of threat and separation that nearly destroyed my health. A nervous system does not recover by shrinking. It recovers by carefully, deliberately expanding under conditions of real safety.

This is not a universal prescription. Other nervous systems need other things. That is the entire point. There is no one-size-fits-all recovery path. The work is learning how to listen to what your own system is asking for, understanding why, and honoring that as your capacity allows.

And capacity changes.

As my capacity improves, my nervous system is already asking for more. Things I don’t particularly want to have to do. Things that are tiring just to contemplate. Like speaking to large audiences again.

I have done that before, with hundreds of people. It’s been a long time, but the idea itself doesn’t worry me. What overwhelms me is the distance between here and there. The many steps required to rebuild the ability to organize, to gather people, to move within a community again.

That kind of engagement used to be central to my life. Grassroots work, organization building, multiple circles, and different purposes, all aimed at making things better. Connection multiplied, momentum happened, and change started to take shape.

What made it work was not me alone. It was the connections between people. I invested in others. I helped where I could. I treated people like human beings. And when I needed help, the community responded in ways I never could have planned. Sometimes it felt like magic. Other times it was a hard-earned victory.

That capacity was taken from me through medical and psychiatric abuse. Rebuilding it now requires listening closely to what my body needs, even when I don’t like the answer, when I’m tired, and when I’ve already done versions of this work before.

My quality of life depends and longevity depend on this. That’s not hyperbole, but biology.

So I am learning to listen more carefully to what my nervous system tells me about people, environments, and systems, and to what supports life and what leads back to collapse.

This is how I make my way back to some semblance of health and well-being. Not by choosing what is prescribed or easiest, but by honoring what my nervous system says is necessary.

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Beyond the Mental Illness Industry: Healing Trauma with NARM and Interpersonal Neurobiology

Posted on June 5, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

After the psychiatric abuse of a “standard treatment” nearly killed me 8 years ago, I found the tools that made survival possible. This was at the intersection of the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM) and Interpersonal Neurobiology. Unlike the mental illness industry that harmed me, they gave me a map that made sense of my experience. These two frameworks–one focused on developmental trauma, the other on the relational and physiological foundations of being human–helped me understand what the so-called mental health system never could: that my suffering was not evidence of defect, but the natural outcome of a life shaped by chronic threat, violation, and disconnection.

NARM taught me to look at trauma through the lens of what was interrupted rather than what was broken. It shifted the focus from pathology to adaptation. It helped me see that the patterns I had been blamed for–like collapse, dissociation, hypervigilance, emotional shutdown, and over-functioning–were ways my system had learned to protect me in environments where safety and attunement were missing. NARM gave language to the survival styles that form when a child has to choose between authenticity and connection. It showed me that these adaptations aren’t disorders to fix but intelligent solutions, some of which kept running long after they were needed.

Interpersonal Neurobiology took that understanding even deeper. It helped me see that everything about being human–emotion, perception, thought, and behavior–emerges from relationship. Not just relationships with people, but the ongoing relationship between body and mind, between internal experience and external conditions. IPNB taught me that what we call “mental health” is really about integration, how well the parts of our system can stay in relationship with one another. Where integration is missing, we suffer. But that suffering isn’t a sign of disease; it’s a sign of disconnection.

Together, NARM and IPNB dismantled the lies I’d been told by psychiatry, psychology, my family, and the mainstream culture. They replaced shame with understanding. They gave me a way to see my reactions, symptoms, and struggles not as evidence of illness but of life. They helped me understand how chronic threat shapes perception, how early relational injury affects self-image, and how real, embodied safety changes everything. They gave me a framework that honors the body’s intelligence and the primacy of connection.

I used these to create the foundation of the neuroscience-based recovery plan that saved my life. Not a one-size-fits-nobody plan with DSM checklists or medication algorithms, but a dynamic framework that acknowledges the reality of how humans actually heal. My plan is about restoring conditions that support regulation, integration, and connection. It involves learning to listen to the body instead of overriding it, and responding to distress with curiosity instead of control. It centers on rebuilding trust in my own perceptions after years of being told they were wrong.

If I had not rejected the mental illness industry pathology, it would have had me dead. It seems to willfully ignore complexity, context, and the truth that the body knows what it needs to survive. What it called “treatment” was really management: sedation, suppression, and containment. NARM and IPNB gave me something radically different: tools that align with life itself. They taught me that healing isn’t about fixing what’s wrong, but reclaiming connection with self, others, and the world.

Bringing these two approaches together showed me that trauma recovery isn’t a mental process. It’s relational and physiological. It requires safety, presence, and compassion, not diagnosis or control. It demands seeing people not as cases or categories, but as living systems doing their best to adapt. It’s slow, it’s nonlinear, and it’s profoundly human.

NARM and IPNB gave me a way to understand and honor the intelligence of my own survival, a way to build my own path when the system offered nothing but harm. And that’s what I want others to know: it’s possible to heal outside of the machinery that calls itself mental health. It’s possible to live fully and truthfully by following the same principles that every healthy system depends on: connection, safety, and integration.

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When Speaking the Truth Changes the Dynamic: Reclaiming Agency After Harm 

Posted on June 3, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

For a few years I felt helpless about something awful that had happened to me. An abuser had sexually assaulted me, and for a long time it felt like the story ended there: harm done, no meaningful response from any system that was supposed to protect me and hold him accountable. It was a systemic silencing of my reality.

Then I started sharing the truth of my lived experience through public disclosure. That didn’t change nor did it create formal accountability, but it moved the experience from isolation.

Something shifted when the silence was no longer complete. I began to rebuild my sense of agency, which was deeply affected by the assault, the complaint process, and the system’s failure to act.

Eventually, I received a notice that referenced his distress related to my disclosure. That did not resolve anything in a legal or institutional sense, but it did make one thing clear: my words had reached beyond me. The dynamic was no longer one-sided.

That matters more than people often realize. When harm is never acknowledged, it can leave a person carrying both the event and the absence of response. Speaking about it does not erase that, but it can introduce a different structure. It creates witnesses. It creates friction in the silence. It changes who holds the narrative.

None of this replaces accountability or justice in the formal sense. But it does reveal something smaller and still important: there are ways to restore a sense of agency after harm, even when systems do not respond the way they should. Sometimes that begins with simply refusing to let the story remain unspoken.

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Signs of Recovery, an IPNB Perspective

Posted on June 1, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

“Still Beating,” painted with only my fingers and hands. Watercolors, 12×9″

The mainstream mental illness industry offers a symptom–management and pathology-reduction framework that reflects the incomplete biomedical model of mental health. That narrow framework treats progress as a set of isolated symptom-based milestones, focusing on controlling or managing parts of experience rather than seeing healing as a relational, integrative, and systemic process. This is problematic.

Here’s a list of signs of recovery that reflect Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) principles of integration, connection, coherence, and homeostasis rather than symptoms or behavior management:

1. You feel more at home in your body.

There’s less struggle against sensations, and more capacity to notice what your body is telling you without being overwhelmed.

2. You can move through shifts in mood or state with more ease.

Emotions still come, but they don’t feel like they take you over as completely. There’s a sense that you can flow with them and return to balance.

3. You recover more quickly from stress.

Instead of staying stuck in activation or collapse, you find yourself able to come back to steadiness in a shorter time.

4. You can stay connected with others even when things are hard.

Moments of conflict or tension don’t automatically sever your sense of connection, you can hold onto relationship while holding onto yourself.

5. You notice more coherence in your inner world.

Thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations line up more often, creating a sense of clarity and wholeness rather than fragmentation.

6. You have more access to curiosity.

Instead of being locked into fear, shame, or defensiveness, you can wonder about your own experience and the experience of others.

7. You feel more choice in how you respond.

Even in difficult situations, you sense you have options, rather than being driven only by old survival patterns.

8. You can take in nourishment from the world.

Beauty, kindness, rest, and connection feel more accessible, and your system can actually absorb them instead of shutting them out.

9. You experience moments of integration.

Parts of yourself that once felt cut off or in conflict begin to feel more linked, and your life feels more coherent as a result.

10. You sense a widening of possibility.

Instead of feeling trapped or closed down, you can imagine a future, make choices toward what matters, and feel more aligned with your values.

This list isn’t measuring “symptoms” but noticing how your system is moving toward greater integration and balance, which is the foundation of well-being from which mental and physical health arise.

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Her Lips Were Moving But Her Advice Was Myopic

Posted on May 29, 2026 by Shay Seaborne, CPTSD

I met a woman in her eighties who talked at length about how healthy, fit, and good-looking she and her husband are. She described regular exercise, summers at the beach, her husband’s consistent swimming, and a long marriage in which roles were stable and predictable. He does the cleaning. She cooks. The structure has been in place for decades. She presented this as evidence of how health is created through personal choices and discipline. Her didactic tone implied that other people — i.e., me — need only to do the same things to achieve similar outcomes.

She looked at me with the assumption that I had overlooked something basic. The message was that health is available if a person makes the right decisions. It was a comparison between her condition and mine, with an implied hierarchy of effort and outcome. She was interpreting me and my life through the lens of her own, and shaming me for not having made the same choices she had, when I didn’t have anywhere near the same options or resources.

She made her assumptions based on my appearance, but she was blind to the fact that my life history includes chronic trauma starting in early development, repeated violations of bodily safety, and long periods of ongoing harm without accountability or justice. It also includes years of fighting to access basic stability while managing the effects of those experiences in a body that has not had consistent conditions for recovery. She could not see the 8 years of fighting for my life under repeated medical and psychiatric harm, the 7” of hernias in a 14” belly that disable me and prevent most of the activities I enjoy, the six structural problems in my feet that make walking a challenge, the quadrilateral Complex Regional Pain Syndrome that reduced mobility, the arthritis, chronic muscle tension, spinal stenosis, or body wide myalgia. Her comparison did take these into account.

From a Relational Neuroscience perspective, that exchange was a predictable mismatch in how life conditions are interpreted. When someone has lived in long-term relational and financial stability, their system organizes around predictability. Daily habits become possible because the environment is steady enough to support them. That becomes invisible to the person who experiences it. It stops being recognized as a contributing factor and starts to look like normal life.

People with the privilege of such stability often attribute their outcomes to personal choices rather than to the conditions that made those choices sustainable or even available. They believe health practices are universally accessible behaviors rather than responses shaped by environment and experience. This creates a gap between explanation and reality.

When that model is applied to someone whose life has been shaped by repeated disruption, it produces distortion. It reduces complex histories into a simple instruction set. It also turns differences in capacity into differences in character. The nervous system receiving that message responds to the absence of recognition of what has been lived. Mine responded with annoyance.

Her comment, “You need to take care of yourself first,” is in the same category. It assumes that awareness is the limiting factor. It ignores that self-care depends on whether the conditions of a person’s life allow for regulation, rest, and consistency. When those conditions have been repeatedly absent or destabilized, the ability to implement self-care is not a matter of knowing what to do, but whether the system has enough stability to sustain it.

She was speaking from a life organized around long-term support, financial stability, shared responsibility, and consistent partnership. That kind of relational structure colored her assumption of what is available to others. Her tone carried her own sense of authority because her internal model of health was reinforced by decades of stable outcomes. She had no concept of the conditions that produce instability in other lives. Her view also neglected to include the possibility that those conditions can be severe, cumulative, and ongoing. Her thinly veiled advice became a projection of one life pattern onto another life pattern that has been shaped by different forces. She overwrote my lived experience with her assumptions.

Self-care is not independent of the conditions that make it possible. When they are present, it can look simple. When they are missing, it becomes a different kind of task entirely, one that cannot be reduced to instruction or intention.

What she offered was not guidance grounded in reality, but a set of conclusions built from a life where stability and support had been consistent enough to disappear from view. Because she did not register my history, losses, or the conditions I have to navigate, her words landed as judgment rather than information. That is where the harm comes in. When someone applies a narrow model of “health” and “choice” onto a life shaped by repeated disruption, it turns misattunement into a form of relational harm. It erases context, assigns blame, and reinforces a hierarchy that was never based on equal conditions. The problem was not that she spoke. It was that she spoke without the authority she presumed she had earned. I’m thankful I could understand the dynamic and therefore reduce its effect on my system.

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