Several years ago, a friend gave me very generous gifts from her art gallery. I was thankful, but, also, due to my abusive upbringing, I felt a confusion of emotions including anxiety. With my focus on my discomfort, I could only respond ineffectively, which undermined my friend’s generosity as well as my ability to receive it.
“Just say ‘Thank you,'” my friend urged. She then gave me a little porcelain “touchstone” she had made, bearing the words “Thank You,” and offered this advice: “Keep it in your pocket to remind you to just say ‘thank you,’ and when you’ve got it, give the touchstone to someone else who needs it.
I followed her advice and within a year I had integrated the response and met the opportunity to pass the touchstone along to a young shipmate, whose response to my generosity reminded me of how I had responded before.
Recently, I was reminded of these experiences when another young person became awkward and blushed after I gave him a compliment. I recognized the dynamic and told him about my friend, her touchstone, how it helped, and that I had passed it along to another person. “When we focus on our awkward discomfort,” I told him, “We miss out on the normal exchange that creates positive feelings and strengthens bonds. This affects both the receiver and the giver.”
These exchanges prompted me to delve further into the Interpersonal Neurobiology of saying “thank you.” How we respond truly matters!
The Power of Gratitude and Positive Feedback
When someone expresses gratitude for a gift or compliment, it sets off a beautiful chain reaction of positivity in both the giver and receiver. This activates specific regions in our brain linked to pleasure and social bonding, like the ventral striatum and prefrontal cortex.
Neurochemistry of Positive Interaction
Chemical messengers like dopamine and oxytocin flood our brains, reinforcing those warm feelings and strengthening our connections with others. This exchange isn’t just about words or objects; it’s about building trust, empathy, and a sense of well-being for everyone involved.
Challenges in Receiving Kindness
However, if someone feels awkward or uncomfortable when receiving praise or gifts, it might reveal a struggle with accepting positive attention. This reaction often involves heightened activity in brain areas responsible for self-awareness and negative emotions, such as the anterior cingulate cortex and amygdala. Stress hormones like cortisol may also join the party, adding to those feelings of unease. It’s like a dance between our social conditioning, self-image, and how we manage our emotions, showing how complex human behavior can be.
Restoring Balance in Interactions
When someone feels uneasy about receiving kindness, it can throw off the natural flow of the interaction. This imbalance might leave both people feeling disconnected or uneasy, disrupting the harmony of the moment. To navigate this takes empathy, open communication, and a willingness to understand and overcome any barriers to receiving positive feedback or gestures of kindness.
Practicing Mindful Acceptance
Practicing mindful acceptance of each gift or compliment is a powerful way to reshape our internal responses. By pausing, breathing, and consciously choosing to respond with gratitude, we can gradually build new neural pathways in our brains. This helps us break free from negative patterns, embrace a more positive stance, and improve the quality of life for ourselves and those around us.
Strengthening Positive Pathways
Consistently responding with a smile and a heartfelt “thank you” strengthens the pathways in our brain associated with acceptance and appreciation. Over time, this practice can boost our self-esteem, enhance our social interactions, and deepen our connections with others.
Fostering a Culture of Gratitude
Moreover, by actively embracing this practice, we signal to others our openness to kindness and acknowledgment, fostering a more positive social atmosphere. Cultivating a habit of mindful acceptance can profoundly transform our well-being and relationships for the better.Fostering a Culture of GratitudeMoreover, by actively embracing this practice, we signal to others our openness to kindness and acknowledgment, fostering a more positive social atmosphere. Cultivating a habit of mindful acceptance can profoundly transform our well-being and relationships for the better.
