Thanks in part to working with David Bedrick and his deep/process/UnShaming practice I came to realize that anytime I had even the faintest suicidal ideation (SI) it was a symptom that my environment was missing something important that I needed for well-being. When I can change my environment so it better offers that support, the SI goes away.

I also learned this from the visualization in which I gave back my father’s death wish. I realized it was never mine! I only thought I needed to die because I was sure it would be better than living with what he had done and the long-term effects on my quality of life.

But biologically, no living organism wants to die. Each is innately organized to live. So, when something impedes our capacity to live it may feel like we should die. A desperate need is being ignored, so how can we be safe in our bodies and in this world? That’s a terrifying question when you feel like you have no agency over the answer.

Recognizing suicidal ideation as a messenger rather than a directive has been transformative for me. These feelings, as painful as they are, carry profound insights about what is missing or out of balance in our environments. They highlight unmet needs, unsustainable situations, or wounds crying out for care.

By honoring the message rather than silencing it, I’ve found pathways to reclaim agency, shift my surroundings, and nurture my well-being. If you’re grappling with these feelings, I invite you to explore what they might be revealing. Beneath the pain, there’s often a golden thread, a truth about what your life truly needs to thrive. Trust your innate drive to live; it’s always there, waiting to guide you toward the support, safety, and fulfillment you deserve.