When I tell a practitioner that I’m not doing well, and they dismiss or minimize what I say–what I share of my lived experience–it makes everything worse. It increases my sense of unsafety. It pushes me even further onto Red Alert. When you’re in survival mode, you can’t focus on the things that make life worth living, the things that spark delight, joy, and pleasure. That’s a luxury you simply can’t afford.
The vast majority of the many healthcare practitioners I’ve met have no clue how to attune or connect. They don’t understand that compassionate witnessing, empathy, and recognition of strengths actively support the nervous system’s ability to function properly and maintain balance. They don’t grasp that their own state–how safe, grounded, and embodied they are–has a greater effect on our nervous systems than the influence of most other people in our lives. Their position gives them a sacred privilege, a greatly enhanced capacity to support or undermine someone else’s well-being.
The effect does not come from mere good intentions. It emerges from their authenticity, embodiment, and sense of safety in themselves and in the environment. But most of them are working in unsafe conditions: rushed, pressured, and full of cues that signal threat. Yet, we are expected to turn to these people, who themselves feel unsafe, for reassurance that we are safe. That’s insane.
From a neurobiological perspective, when someone in a caregiving role fails to provide a safe, attuned presence, it triggers the body’s survival systems. Energy goes to vigilance, hyperarousal, and self-protection, leaving almost nothing available for engagement, learning, joy, or connection. Safety is the foundation for all growth and repair, and when that foundation is missing, recovery and well-being are undermined at their core.
It is critical that healthcare practitioners understand the real, physiological impact of being seen, or not seen, by someone in a position of power and trust. Until healthcare acknowledges and addresses this dynamic, too many people, including healthcare practitioners, will continue to suffer unnecessarily.
