Walking home from the community garden, I saw a young man coming toward me on my street. It was Independence Day weekend and there was a local event happening nearby, so there were more people around than usual, including people who don’t normally move through this area.
While we were still several yards away he asked, “Hi, how are you?” in a tone that rang with authenticity.
I said, “Fine thanks, and you?”
He said, “ I’m fine thank you.”
I asked, “Are you going to the festivities?”
He said, “Yes. It’s a really nice weekend.”
I said, “It is. Have a good time!”
He said, “Thank you. Enjoy your weekend!”
It was a brief, predictable, social interaction. Two people passing on the street, exchanging basic recognition and orientation. But my nervous system shifted. I felt a surge of activation, a kind of sudden relief that showed up so strongly it brought me to tears after he walked on.
The strong feeling was due to what the interaction represented in the context of the last eight years of my life, where so many relational experiences have involved threat, disruption, lack of protection, inconsistency, or being left to manage things alone.
From an Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) lens, what happened in the street was simple and very important. The nervous system constantly recognizes cues of safety and cues of danger in relationship. It notes tone, timing, predictability, recognition, and whether another person responds in a way that is coherent and non-threatening.
In this case there was recognition and reciprocity. There was also no demand, intrusion, unpredictability, or evaluation. Just an ordinary human exchange. And because those kinds of exchanges have been limited and often overshadowed by more harmful relational experiences over time, my system did not treat it as “small.” It treated it as meaningful.
This is where a lot of cultural misunderstanding happens. We are taught to look for safety in large narratives: one safe person, one secure relationship, one stable place that will finally make everything okay. That story is everywhere. It is also incomplete.
I have learned that, as this moment made very clear, connection is often built in much smaller increments. It is built in everyday interactions that signal: you are seen, you are not in danger with me, you can move through this moment without having to defend yourself.
Those signals accumulate. They do not replace deeper relationships, but they create the conditions where deeper relationships become possible without overwhelming the system.
From an IPNB perspective, the concepts of titration and pendulation are important. The nervous system does not shift through force or insight alone. It shifts through small doses of experience that move between activation and settling, between contact and return, between engagement and rest. When the dose is too large, the system can be flooded. When it is too absent, it can stay isolated. The middle range allows change to integrate.
This does not only happen in rare moments. It can happen repeatedly if you are in environments where these kinds of exchanges are possible: walking where people are present, acknowledging others in passing, brief respectful contact, small mutual recognition. It can also happen online in conversation that feels coherent and non-threatening. The form is less important than the quality of the interaction.
The important part is learning to notice what your own system does with these moments. Some people feel nothing. Some people feel a small softening. Some people feel a wave of relief or grief or release. None of those responses are wrong. They are information about how much relational safety has been available and how the system has adapted to what it has had to work with.
And it is also important to go at nervous system speed. Not forcing more contact than your system can hold. Not interpreting activation as failure. Not assuming that bigger is better. The changes that last tend to come in small steps that can actually be integrated, repeated, and built on over time.
Like I did, you can use the principles of IPNB to guide you. These two Trauma Aware America articles are made to help:
“IPNB-Informed Recovery Plan for Stress or Trauma”
“Cultivating Safe Relationships When You Have No Support”
