A meme on social media stated that one can “Never know how much a person is ‘damaged’ until you try to love them.”
“Damaged” is a pathologizing term. From an interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB) perspective, the idea that you never know how much a person is “damaged” until you try to love them can be reframed to focus on the relational dynamics that reveal deeper layers of a person’s experiences and needs. Here’s how IPNB-based response to this concept:
IPNB emphasizes that our brains and nervous systems are profoundly shaped by our relationships. When we try to love someone, we often uncover layers of past trauma, defenses, and unmet needs that might not be immediately visible. This is because deep connection can evoke vulnerability and bring old wounds to the surface.
Loving relationships can bring up attachment patterns formed early in life. These patterns influence how safe and secure we feel in relationships. Trying to love someone can reveal these attachment styles, highlighting areas where they may have experienced hurt or neglect.
Importantly, IPNB underscores that our brains are capable of change (neuroplasticity). Supportive and loving relationships can help heal past wounds by providing new, positive experiences that reshape our neural pathways. This process, however, requires patience, empathy, and a deep understanding of each other’s needs and triggers.
Understanding and attuning to each other’s emotional states are crucial in a loving relationship. Recognizing the past hurts or vulnerabilities in someone you love calls for empathy and a non-judgmental approach, creating a safe space for healing and growth.
Both partners need to feel safe to be vulnerable. The process of loving and being loved can be challenging as it often requires confronting and working through personal pain. However, this mutual vulnerability can lead to deeper connection and mutual healing.
Being present and compassionate with each other’s pain is vital. IPNB suggests that a compassionate presence can help regulate each other’s nervous systems, promoting calm and connection.
Instead of seeing someone as “damaged,” IPNB views the uncovering of past wounds in the context of loving relationships as a natural part of the healing journey. It emphasizes the importance of empathy, attunement, and the transformative power of safe, supportive connections in fostering healing and growth. This perspective helps us approach each other with empathy and understanding, recognizing that we are all capable of healing and thriving through loving, attuned relationships.
This post includes content generated by ChatGPT, a language model developed by OpenAI. The AI-generated content has been reviewed and edited for accuracy and relevance.
