For most of the last seven years, I haven’t been able to feel the normal range of human emotions. Joy, peace, gratitude, awe, and beauty have been mostly absent. Most of the time, I can only think about these things. The ability to *feel* them has been taken from me by the systems I turned to for help.

Nearly every medical appointment did something to keep my body on red alert, or turn the volume up even higher! That constant red alert is the real problem. It’s not just stress or fatigue. It’s my nervous system saying, “Danger! Protect yourself!” The so-called healthcare system has actively blocked my recovery, over and over. That’s not healthcare. That’s exploitation.

For the last five years, what has kept me alive is rage, determination, and my commitment to my cause. I’ve relied on those feelings because almost nothing else was accessible. My nervous system has been in survival mode, constantly on edge, making it impossible to feel calm, safe, or connected.

Here’s the thing: when you’re stuck in red alert, your system can’t rest. Thinking clearly, regulating emotions, and even just feeling life fully, becomes blocked. Healing can’t happen. Growth can’t happen. And yet, almost every interaction with mainstream healthcare has dialed UP my alarm instead of down. Even when I tried to explain what I needed, to guide the doctor with neurobiology, the system’s routines and lack of attunement made my body feel unsafe. Every appointment used up energy I needed for recovery.

I’ve tried alternatives. I’ve spent tens of thousands on out-of-mainstream therapy, on practitioners who understand trauma and chronic pain. But the level of care I need–coordinated, trauma-informed, fully attuned care–is mostly inaccessible unless one can pay for boutique practices. That’s a privilege most people don’t have.

The real problem isn’t just symptoms or behaviors, but being stuck in red alert. And the mainstream system often makes it worse. To relieve this, healthcare practitioners must understand this: patients’ bodies and nervous systems are always present in the room. Safety, attunement, and responsiveness aren’t extras. They’re the foundation. Without them, “care” can do more harm than good.

Recovery doesn’t come from a set of treatments. It emerges through creating conditions where the nervous system can relax, where survival mode can ease, and where life–joy, peace, and connection–can start to return. Anything less keeps people stuck in red alert, fighting to survive instead of living, which is what we get from “healthcare.”