It seems like people who say dismissive things to trauma survivors like “just let it go” don’t consciously realize why they say them. This was the case with my friend of many years, who repeatedly told me to “just let it go” regarding the horrific childhood abuse I endured from my father. One day, instead of focusing on my annoyance, I became curious and asked her, “How do I do that? What are the steps?” She paused, then admitted, “I don’t know. I say that because I hate to see you hurting, and I wish I could fix it, but I know I can’t.”

Ironically, “I hate to see you hurting and I wish I could fix it but I know I can’t” were actually the healing words. That’s what I needed to hear, and it’s what she actually needed to share. My friend offered me the tired phrase “just let it go” because she didn’t know she had something better to offer. But when she took a moment to reflect, she found the words that truly mattered.

Now, when I hear people say similar things, I try to be curious rather than frustrated. I like to ask them for more information. Most of the time, they don’t have much to add, and then I can gently explain that I’ve spent years studying the neurobiology of trauma and recovery, so I know it isn’t something you simply “let go” of. Trauma is the result of a hostile environment and the absence of the proper support systems we all need. As Viktor Frankl once wrote, “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.” Trauma isn’t a choice, but healing is an ongoing process that requires time, care, and empathy.

More recently, a shipmate friend said, “I read your posts, and I don’t know what to say. I just want to give you a hug,” and then she did. That was perfect. Healing a nervous system that’s been shaped by cruelty and contempt doesn’t happen overnight. It requires a drip, drip, drip infusion of even small expressions of empathy and warmth. That hug? It was a step in the right direction, a small, meaningful act of human connection.