My last sleep before SGB #24! Four years ago when I had the first few I couldn’t have imagined needing this many. It has been an excruciatingly difficult journey. The yo-yo trajectory has been brutal. I’m so tired of reclaiming the same hill again and again because I can’t get the care I need.

The good news is I’ve been able to build enough support for my nervous system that I don’t need the shots nearly as often. Earlier this year 5 weeks was about as long as I could go. But the doctor didn’t want to give them any more frequently than 8.

This put me in a terrible position. I would feel good for a few weeks and then the symptoms would creep in, faster each day until I was back in hell. I could barely function. The flashbacks, multiple muscle spasms, heavy fatigue, intense night sweats, inability to regulate body temperature, and the body wide burning pain. I often wondered if I should just give up.

But the rage in me said “NO!” The rage at the people and institutions who caused me such harm through betrayal, trauma after betrayal, trauma, usually at the hands of caregivers and others charged with our safety. They’re the only reason I ever needed a shot like this, the only reason my life has been one kind of hell after another with very little reprieve.

So, each time I felt like quitting I recommitted to my neuroscience-based recovery plan with the determination to make some f****** justice before I leave this Earth.

Unexpectedly, the pursuit of justice is an integral part of my remarkable recovery. It not only fueled my termination, it also fostered rebuilding the sense of agency that is crucial to well-being. Trauma, particularly betrayal, trauma and institutional betrayal rob us of our sense of agency. And neither the medical industry or the culture is big on helping us recover from that.

But, with an understanding of the basics of our neurobiology I was able to recognize the need to reclaim agency over my body after what men had done to it without my consent again and again in systems that allowed them to commit serial crimes against uncounted vulnerable others. These are institutions and systems that protect predators over the well-being of numerous vulnerable people. Predators always go for the supportive environments and easy targets.

I built my support system to the point that I can begin to create some justice where there has been none that helps my nervous system feel safer. A safer feeling nervous system is more regulated, producing better regulated emotions, thoughts, behaviors, relationships, and bodily systems. The result is symptom reduction and increase in quality of life.

Despite the numerous improvements I’ve made in my life over the past 4 years, there are still too many impediments–namely the entire medical industry–and not enough resources to meet my core needs. So I still struggle mightily, but with the knowledge that, as my nervous system is better supported, everything will become easier and I can finally get on the bell curve of well-being instead of the whipsaw of functionality.

I’m almost there! It’s been 103 days since my last SGB and I’m in a moderate hell, not a f****** hell. All symptoms are up, but they are not totally overwhelming. I can still do a few things other than just deal with symptoms. That makes a huge difference. Also, unlike previously, this time the symptoms came on more gradually. They are also more sporadic. I might have a particular symptom one day and not the next. Unlike before when I could have all of them multiple times in one day!

Aside from improving my psychosocial environment as well as my physical, another major contributing factor to my ability to survive this long without an SGB is that the last two were only 5 weeks apart. I didn’t exactly trick the scheduler, but it might look like it from the outside. The doctor was a little miffed and laid down the law after that. But here I am doing better.

It’s been great to go this long without having to have a shot. But the last 4 weeks have been really tough. They taught me that I can’t do this anymore. I need another pRFA-enhanced SGB. That means paying out of pocket if I can get one. But it’s to the point where my body is so worn out from this bizarre torture by the medical industry that I would do almost anything to make it stop. I will soon begin work on that and hope I will be able to access it on short notice next time I need an SGB instead of going through this again.With the increased safety and connection I built in my environments, I expect an SGB with pRFA will last me 8 months like it did the first two times. 🤞

But right now I’m focused on tomorrow and SGB #24. 24!