Today, March 13th, marks the 140th birthday of my maternal great-grandfather, Raxley Leonard Obarr, my Granddaddy. He was the only grandfather figure I knew. He was also a Knight Templar, a master of bird magic, a juggler, and the kindler of my light. On this day, I honor the man who gave me the most magnificent gift: the light of pure love, which enabled me to survive a highly adverse life.

The Seed of Safety in a Few Precious Weeks

Though I only had a short time with my Granddaddy—a few weeks when my mother and siblings lived with him and my great-grandmother—that brief encounter provided an enormous, enduring gift. It gave me an early, if transient, sense of safety because my primary abuser was on the other side of the country.

Granddaddy gave me pure love and acceptance, which I could literally feel in my body. I felt it when we held hands, palm to palm—the tender skin of age and youth pressed together in a communion of heart and spirit. He changed my life by showing me safety and connection through his touch, the wrinkles around his eyes, the softness of his hands, and the firmness of his fingers around my own. Being with him made everything okay. His heartfelt kindness gave me a tiny spark of hope, love, and comfort to hang onto in my darkest hours.

My memories of this time anchor me. I recall him, dressed in his suit, walking out onto the front lawn, calling for his birds. They would land on his hands, arms, shoulders, and head to take seed, a truly magical sight. He taught me how to juggle, and I would practice with three rubber balls he bought me from his pharmacy. These few hours shaped my life in countless invisible ways that sustained me through unspeakable cruelty and contempt.

An Adult Legacy: Rage into Resistance

Granddaddy was the one adult who gave me tenderness, love, protection, and a reflection of my true worth. Without this, I would not have survived childhood or late adulthood. His love and steadiness became a powerful resource that confirmed my instincts: that life couldn’t just be hell; there had to be some safety and love in it.

This foundational gift continues to inform my life and purpose today. He is the one who told me I was worthy of fighting for, and helped me be stronger than all the abuse put together. He helped me turn intergenerational rage into resistance—the drive to reclaim humanity from the power structure that destroys us.

Years later, this legacy manifested when I sought to retrieve his Knight Templar sword, a ceremonial object made by the Cincinnati Regalia Company. After enduring a near-fatal bowel resection during the beginning of the pandemic, I knew I had to bring the sword to me. I applied intention, using “watercolors, words, and wits,” and painted an image of my hands holding the sword. Within weeks, the sword was in my hands, sent by the family of my late mother’s late partner. They honored my relationship with Granddaddy, even with no legal obligation. When I held the ceremonial sword, I remembered his putting it into my hands when I was a nine-year-old child. Today, the sword represents using my limited resources—watercolors, words, and wits—to do damage to the exploiters he despised, fulfilling my destiny.

Relational Neuroscience: The Imprint that Saved My Life

The true power of this connection lies in what Relational Neuroscience describes: the building of neural networks. It wasn’t just the time spent, it was the depth of connection—the acceptance and love at a heart level—that built lasting neural pathways in my brain and body.

• Mirror Neuron Exchange: Granddaddy gave me a sense of love and safety, and my mirror neurons read and internalized it. This feeling was diametrically opposite to what my parents gave me, whose intention was for me to die. He showed me I deserve to be here.

• The Granddaddy Effect: These brief, caring interactions created a “neuronal imprint” in my nervous system that waited dormant, but was never erased. Today, I can call up the neural memory of my Granddaddy, and just thinking his name or looking at his face makes me feel goodness inside: calmer, clearer, and more open to possibility. He is my “zero,” the place of supreme safety.

• The Magnitude of the Gift: The gift of his pure love and the new neural pathways it created is so enormous in magnitude that it “out sizes the magnitude of harm” I experienced. This imprint, created by a mirror neuron exchange, is the wellspring of my survival and the ability to go forward.

Raxley Leonard Obarr, Knight Templar, master of bird magic, and kindler of my light, gave me life. On his 140th birthday, I stand as his legacy, my nervous system still connected with the beautiful, pure love he instilled. I am worth fighting for, and Grandaddy’s kindness, courage, and spirit continue to drive my fight for life and justice.